"You need to check the Design for minor faults. The Engineer for the Death Star missed something"
Engineering office statements explained
1. A number of different approaches are being tried.(We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.)
2. Close project coordination. (We should have asked someone else.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired 3 guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while.)
4. Major technological breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.)
5. Customer satisfaction believed assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get anything at all from us.)
6. Preliminary operational test were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch!)
7. The test results were extremely gratifying. (It works and boy are we surprised.)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in the process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we will assume you have forgotten about it.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this job.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (Your warped opinion will be pitted against our good sense.)
14. See me, or Let's discuss. (Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.)
15. All new. (Parts not interchangeable with previous design.)
17. Lightweight. (It's cheaper than our last design.)
18. Years of development. (Finally got one that worked.)
19. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
20. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix!)
21. We need to meet for a coordination meeting. (I am hopelessly behind schedule, so can slow you guys down too?).
Construction Definitions - AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
CONTRACTOR – A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.
BID OPENING – A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BID – A wild guess carried out to two decimal points.
LOW BIDDER – A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
ENGINEERS ESTIMATE – The cost of construction in heaven.
PROJECT MANAGER – The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD – A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA – A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs, and baloney. Usually applied at random with a shotgun.
STRIKE – An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT – a tourniquet applied at the pockets.
COMPLETION DATE – The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AUDITOR – People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYER – People who go in after the Auditors and strip the bodies.
Time Sheet Honesty
A promising young Steel Detailer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"
St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."
"I Will Survive" engineering version
Sung to "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor:
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
thinking I could not design what you had specified.
But then I spent too many years redrawing what you just built wrong
and I grew strong and I learned how to get along
And now you're back
with more floor space
I just walked in to find you here
with that QS look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid plan
I should have made you pay that fee
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Oh go now go,
delete that door
move the wall around now
you don't wanna pay for it anymore
Were you the one who tried to break me with your RFIs
you think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no not I
I will survive....
A collective noun of drafters
"What's the collective noun for a group of CAD drafters?"
"Because they are always Plotting!!!"
Arguing with an Engineer
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it..
Line Weight is too Large
Explode The Dimensions
Entry Level 3D CAD
CAD Stabdards Patrol
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in 2D CAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a BIM tecnician monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, generate 3D models, produce rendered images, undertake coordination and clash detection, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer"